I’m learning to soften, to be more intuitive in my movements, my meals, with my time and my connections. Even with my thoughts. I’m not moving slower or with less motivation or ambition, which I deeply fear but with greater awareness for my emotions, my internal dialogue and my energy.
It’s a precarious act, and it’s difficult to create harmony. To meet the needs and my expectations for the feminine and the masculine energy which guide us as human beings. But I’m trying to soften my expectations, for myself and for others, especially those I care deeply for.
I walk barefoot more often, stop to smell the ocean, be mindful of what is around me, what I see and hear and can smell.
I deserve pleasure and I allow myself the time to move slowly and to feel. My skin, another humans skin, I allow my body to react and soften, I resist the urge to rush or be recluse or move away from the vulnerability of feeling and allow myself to receive. To build the belief that I deserve attention, love, kindness and pleasure. Because I am a human being. I’m complex and messy, but I am alive and I can feel.
And with that I can feel an energy shifting, after suffocating for so long in a male dominated world of achievement, roboticness and generally just maleness in work and academia. But I’m still learning and with that I’m conscious and sensitive to moving slowly whilst also ensuring I don’t sacrifice or suppress my dreams, goals and hopes because my identity is closely bundled up in my career and my ambitions and I wouldn’t change that.
And as for the ambition and its masculine energy, it will always be necessary and important, it makes me who I am. But I am slowly moving away from the addiction of drive, where it makes me move quickly, rush and hold heavy expectations for myself. I didn’t stop when it was time, take a rest when I was running out of energy, sleep when I needed rest or walk slowly in the mornings. Now I’ve come to believe that I can feel and be ambitious, be intuitive and be determined, hold feminine and masculine energy together, in harmony. Because when I’m balanced I’m more efficient, more motivated, more creative and my emotions are less turbulent. I am all there, whatever I am doing in that moment.
There is balance but it is an art, it must be practiced and when you neglect it, like any skill it becomes difficult to master. Balance can look different during different seasons of my life, sometimes I need one energy more than the other to serve me at that time, and that’s ok, but having balance means being intuitive in noticing that, and also having the courage to switch off, slow down, feel and be sensual, sensitive and soft. Having expression for who I am, not who I wish I was, or who I will become, or the things I hope for myself but expressing who I am right now.
And then also, pushing myself, working hard, achieving big and aiming for success because that makes me feel capable, powerful and it brings me joy.
Joy. It’s hard to believe an emotion so foreign are on my pages, amongst my story.
And so the most important thing is believing, truly believing, having hope, and recognising that I deserve this balance, and the work I am doing now is because I care, and every small step I am moving closer towards peace. And that is powerful, after many many turbulent years.
I’m taking my time, and when I made the choice to stick around, I realised I’ve got plenty of time to master this art.